What I Think About Racism

Racism is like criminality: it's something that obviously shouldn't exist but does.

Work Sucks

I've been thinking a lot about work lately . . . well really that is a subject I regularly think much about. What kills me is that it seems that the large majority of jobs really suck. I mean who the hell would want to build toasters, pave roads, work at the post office, do secretarial work, etc. A few years back I got a hold of some statistics that categorized the various occupations in America and then gave the percentage of the working population working in each. The statistics intrigued me and they still do, but they are also daunting. What is one to think about something like that? What is good about it? What is bad about it? I don't know, but I do like the idea of having an overview of our entire economy.

I dream about an economy where everyone loves their job. But how can we ever get there? What are the principles we need to follow in order to get to that point? What are the characteristics of today's jobs that cause so much unhappiness? The monotony? The lack of autonomy? What else?

There is a book related to this issue that I really want to read. It's called The Working Life: The Promise and Betrayal of Modern Work and it's written by Joanne B. Ciulla . Perhaps this is a subject I need to get more deeply into. Hmmm.

And this brings up the issue of all of the things I want to study: methodology, economics, economic sociology, information glut, education, city planning. It's really hard to decide what to study when? But now that I'm looking at this list I just made I think it would be best to work on the first three first.

Because I've missed writing the personal blogs

I haven't been blogging much lately, nor at my more academic truthandprogress.wordpress.com. It's been hard to figure out what to write where, but I think I'll have that figured out soon. More personal info about me will be written here. Political, philosophical, and academic content will be posted at my other blog. At least that's the plan. And as for all the in between stuff, I'll just have to figure that out as I go along I suppose.

So I'm living in Brooklyn now, and going to school in Manhattan at Eugene Lang College. I'm less than a month and a half from the end of my 1st semester and I'm starting to feel annoyed at this general way of life. I don't like being forced to put my intellectual energy into reading particular books and writing about particular topics. The discussions at school feel contrived. I mean, some of my teachers do a really good job, but still, what about MY projects? What about the questions that are most important to ME? When do I get the opportunity to discuss THESE issues with the professors and classmates? When can we have a seminar about MY issues?

I came to New York thinking this would be the place to find like minded people and to form groups to discuss and tackle those issues most significant to me. So far I've been disappointing by the people I've met. I see people just living there lives and not much else. It's hard for life not to feel meaningless in this situation.

I just don't feel very free these days. I've also been feeling overwhelmed with the complexity of life. And I've been feeling lonely too. I'm either at school or cooped up in my small room most of the time. It's not pleasant. But I don't have many other options right now. Hopefully I will soon.

So what should I do? What is worth doing? This is what I'm trying to figure out right now. Hopefully the answers will come soon.

Back in Business in New York City

I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging lately. It’s been hard with the big transition I’ve been making. I am now living in New York City and attending The New School. It is quite a change living here compared to San Diego. Here I really feel that I can fulfill my goals. Here there really is opportunity for serious scholarly endeavors--a whole ton of it. So now it’s just a matter of making the right connections and taking the initiative to take the next step when the time is right. I’m still only starting out though. I’ve been here since August 14th and have spent much of the time since just getting settled in. But now that phase is about over and I’m ready to move on to the exciting stuff.

So that’s a little background on my life, but I also wanted to discuss other things. Throughout the life of my blog I’ve been wondering how academic or personal my blog should be. I personally enjoy both types. UnderstandingSociety is my overall favorite blog and is almost purely academic, but I also enjoy Ben Casnocha’s much more personal blog, as well as some middle-range blogs such as The Sociological Imagination and A (Budding) Sociologist’s Commonplace Book, both of which are authored by graduate students. But regardless of the various examples out there, I still do not know where on the Academic-Personal spectrum I want to aim for. Any advice?

(FYI: This was was originally posted on my more academic blog)

Thoughts on the History of Enlightenment Ideals (and More)

I apologize for not blogging much lately. I’ve been busy with stuff related to my upcoming move to New York and transfer to the New School and with a paper I am writing on the history of Enlightenment ideals in America.

Writing papers doesn’t come easy to me because I’m what they call a “big picture” thinker. I just figured out this existed a few weeks ago. It was a special moment for me. I’d never read such an accurate description of the way I think. Here’s an excerpt from the original source:

Big picture thinking really is a sort of upside-down thinking style, but if it is truly understood, it has many ramifications for education. Many big picture thinker struggle with time management problems and underachievement (poor written output) in their school years. When we ask many of these kids why it is hard for them to start writing, it becomes clear that the problem is more that they know too much (and have trouble narrowing their subject) than than they know too little. Many confess to us that they read more the assigned reading because they feel they need to understand things better if they are to understand a thing at all. Many of them are seeking the overarching framework inside which they can put their new bit of knowledge. Often these are 'why' kids - who need to know why something is true, not just that something is true. For those of us who are content to be 'little picture' thinkers when called for, the drive seems a little arbitrary and perhaps fatuous- but if you see enough of these kids, it seems more than a preference, it is a necessary requirement for learning at least in some people.

Goddamn, that's so me! But this is an aside. What I really wanted to blog about tonight are my thoughts related to the paper I'm writing. For some reason I thought that it would be easier to express my thoughts through blogging than through paper writing. But I feel about just as stuck. Basically there are the Enlightenment thinkers and their advocacy of critical thinking and denunciation of superstition. And then there are the non-intellectual uncritical and unreflective thinkers that f**k everything up. In the colonial and young republic eras religion was a huge barrier to critical thinking, but it wasn't the core of the barrier, since religious beliefs are just one category of beliefs. It seems that imposed beliefs are the real problem. Really, any social communication is either critical or not. If mom says X is true and son unhesitatingly accepts, that is uncritical communication. If mom asks son, "What do you think?" and son says Y and then mom asks "Why do you think that?" that is critical communication. And so if pattern A persists through a persons life he will most likely end up becoming an uncritical thinker, and if pattern B persists then the opposite will most likely occur.

But where do I go from here? Why didn't it become obvious to everyone that critical thinking is superior to uncritical thinking? Was it because there were so few actually preaching critical thinking? Was the problem that most of the intellectuals could not get passed certain ideologies? Were they really nothing more than clever folk with a knack for theory and abstractions? Were most of the people we consider to have been intellectuals really critical thinkers? Obviously this is not a black or white issue. Yet how can I move forward in my investigation of this? I'd have to analyze each intellectual on a case by case basis . . . and meticulously so. So you see how projects just inflate and inflate for me as I advance toward their solution? And thus I always end up needing more time. 'Tis life for a "big picture" thinker. But really, it would all be fine if only the educational institutions would let me work on one big all-encompassing project throughout my whole career. Eh, well those of you who know me know that that's what I'm gonna do whether they "let me" or not.

Just Sharing Some Thoughts

For awhile I’ve been debating in my head whether to write certain things in my journal or in my blog. I’ve been feeling an urge to share publicly more and more of my thoughts. But it’s hard to figure out what goes where. I don’t want to abandon my private journal that I’ve enjoyed writing in for so many years, yet I definitely to want to get my ideas out there. Nonetheless, I think I’m going to start putting more material online. And I’m going to start the process today.

There are a few issues I want to deal with in this post. One is motivation, another has to do with passivity, activity, judgment, and hypocrisy. I’ll start with the first. It seems apparent that we human beings pursue happiness, yet what explains certain individuals doing things that seem obviously to go against their happiness? For example, what explains a woman that has an abusive husband, but that refuses to leave the relationship? Let’s take this even further and assume that she “knows” that she will be better off without the man. So what we are now dealing with is a decision between pursuing short-term pleasure or making short-term sacrifices for greater happiness in the long-term. What accounts for the apparent irrational decision to not make the choice leading to greater long-term happiness? What I’m thinking is that we can actually narrow down the pursuit of long-term pleasure to the pursuit of immediate pleasure. The way to do this is by realizing that the pursuit of long term pleasure is the pursuit of an idea, which is something that can be pursued in the realm of immediacy. So what we end up with is a battle between the various pleasures and pains triggered by the various actions we take. To stay with the abusive husband triggers certain feelings and the pursuit of the idea of a better life without him triggers others. If you’re confused at this point, I don’t blame you; I have much to elaborate on. however, that will have to wait for later time.

Now, the second topic. Here’s the thing: through reason one will realize that he wants to be happy. Next, if one compares oneself to others, he will realize that there is no good reason to believe that one’s happiness is more important than others’. Thus, the rational ethic to pursue is that of the greatest overall happiness. This is of course the simple point, which most everyone will agree with. The real challenge comes in determining what the path to the greatest happiness is. The conservatives argue that our society is already doing about as good a job as possible producing happiness. This is a judgment of course, and it is also one I disagree with. However, my purpose today is not to attack this judgment. Instead I want to attack those conservatives who stress that their judgments are as good as anyone else’s. I am talking about the conservative relativists. However, it has taken me so long to get to this point in this blog that I don’t even remember what I was going to write. This would most likely not have happened if I was writing in my journal. But what’s done is done, so now all I can do is work toward designing a better method transferring my ideas from my head to my blog. And if you are disappointed about me not finishing up my second topic, don’t despair; I’ll do my best to get that figured out and will write up what I came up with in my next blog.

Lifeless Life

I recently came across a piece I wrote on the 6th of October of 2008. I thought I should share it:

Life is a mysterious thing. We simply cannot know why we're here and what will happen when we die. Yet, we are alive, and to me this life feels so special. Thus, how can we let it go to waste. How can we at one moment imagine all that is possible, then at another moment give in to the pressures all around us. Why is it that so many of us choose to ignore the genie's lamp that we all have. Can we not think of anything fabulous to wish for? Have we forgotten the lamp's function? This is life! We do not know what will happen next! Thus, we are in control of an infinitely rare opportunity. But instead of pursuing greatness we live in fear like gazelle being chased by lions. This fear causes us to conform to those things we despise. And as we conform we repress our immense human potential. More significantly, we surrender this most precious gift of life.

How is it that we pursue Escalades, marble countertops, exotic cruises, and exquisite five star eating experiences with great vigor, yet have little vigor for life itself. What have we become?! Are we living in a state of sleep? Have we fooled ourselves into thinking we're Zombies? Or has that section of our brain that allows us to realize life's essence been punctured? If so, who has shot the arrow? And can the wound be healed?

I'm Back!

I am blogging once again. I apologize for the month long delay. I am now out of my existential crisis--at least the extreme version. There was a ten day period where I was a serious mess. The despair became part of my bloodstream and I felt as if I was a prisoner within my own body. The questions were endlessly circling within my head, even in my dreams while I slept. But I snapped out of it! I said “No!” “I’m not going to think about this anymore!” That’s the way it had to go down. I wasn’t going to come to any conclusions by continuing to think the same questions. I knew the only rational decision would by to accept the mystery and move on with my life. Perhaps in the future, the answers would come to ME. “I must be patient.” I thought.

Once I had regained my sanity I slowly began reading again. Peter Gay’s “The Enlightenment: An Interpretation, Volume 1: The Rise of Modern Paganism.” It was just what the doctor ordered: there’s nothing like Enlightenment history to get an aspiring Philosophe up and running again.

I finished Peter Gay’s book a few days ago. Additionally, while reading that book I also read and finished Russell Jacoby’s “The End of Utopia: Politics and Culture in an Age of Apathy” and “Picture Imperfect: Utopian Thought for an Anti-Utopian Age” and Rob Riemen’s “Nobility of Spirit: A Forgotten Ideal.” They were all good books, especially Nobility of Spirit.

I can’t spend all my time reading anymore though because I have to get my personal statement for my college apps written. Those of you who know me well know how long it takes me do complete stuff like that. I want to get it over with though so that I can start working on the first draft of my book. Indeed it finally feels like the time is right for that.

Well that’s it for now, but I’ll probably be blogging again soon. Peace!

No More Depressing Posts

I'm done writing despair-filled posts. What's the point? I don't want to spread negative energy. I should be able to pursue truth with a joyful attitude. I suppose it's really fear that has been infecting me. I'm not sure what I've been afraid of though.

I'd like to get some more reader participation. I feel like I'm writing to myself. If I wanted to do that I would have just continued writing in my journal and never have started this blog in the first place. So how is everyone doing? Give me your ideas about life, tell me about the things you value, tell me about your struggles and triumphs. This is a cool place to share all that, since everyone has been screened upon entrance.

This is a strange time for me. I'm trying to re-establish my life... in a different way from before. I would really like to get away from this routine that is my life. I want to breath new air, see new people, and hear new ideas.

Oh, I should mention that the music making is going well. I've recorded some nice tracks and have even come up with some lyrics. The only lame thing is that I haven't been able to figure out how to record audio on my sequencer. I guess I'll just have to work around that somehow until the secret is uncovered.

Well I'll keep this one short. Hasta luego, amigos.

Part Two

“America is lost.” I wrote this sentence then thought about what it really means for a long time. What does it mean to be lost? Aren’t we all lost to some extent? Who knows why they exist as they do? I understand that some people don’t worry about that question, but if I wake up one morning and find myself surrounded by huge trees and the sounds off all kinds of animals, yet somehow don’t ever wonder “where am I?”, does this mean I’m not lost? Of course it depends on our definition of lost. If it is defined as not knowing where you are, then the answer is yes. But I sort of know where I am. I’m in a home in Chula Vista within the state of California within the United States of America, which is one of the planet Earth’s nations. Furthermore, Earth is supposedly part of a particular solar system, which in turn is part of a particular galaxy (The Milky Way, right?), which is part of “the universe”--whatever the hell that means. What I have a more limited understanding of is WHY I’m here. I’m not going to elaborate on this however, since it wouldn’t lead to any answers.

Regardless of the seemingly impossible existential questions, the fact of the matter is that I AM here. Furthermore, I have a 22+ year history within this body, and for about the last seven years I’ve been in the pursuit of the very clear cut goal of transforming the world for the better. This desire, along with the pursuit of truth (which goes hand in hand with the pursuit of progress, although many extraordinarily miss this fact) is what has defined me most of all during these past seven years. Life made perfect sense from the beginning of that span until early on this year. Yet still, even though life doesn’t make the sense that it used to, I cannot give up this purpose.

I am now trying to re-establish my life--more like worldview actually. It’s an extremely difficult task though. It’s as if I’ve entered a world where all objects start melting away as soon as I begin thinking about them. I’m like the X-Men’s Cyclops, only it’s not my eyes that destroy things, but my mind.

I’m now living within this world of hyper-criticality, and there’s no way for me to leave it--not any that I can foresee at least. What makes it crazier is that although I can see, hear, and feel other human beings, they’re all living in a separate world from me. Everyone is so attached to the everyday, yet I am so utterly not. How could I possibly relate to these beings? How could I form a legitimate connection?

But is connection significant? Is it indeed something we ought to pursue? If so, why? And what is the point of it?

Perhaps certain of the fundamental elements of society are at the root of my anguish. Maybe I just want to be me and these elements are covertly keeping me from achieving this. Think about it: we all live and all will die, in between, what more can there be but absolute joy? Just now it hit me that my relationship to society is key. These other human beings are fundamental to my experience of life. Although I want to believe that I am free from their control, indeed I think they’ve been deeply in control of me. I desire their approbation. I need to because my life goal involves them. But I can break free of this and still achieve my goal!

I pursue comfort. Not material comfort, but the comfort of my soul. Whether increasing soul-comfort will also lead to truth, I do not know. Yet still, what else is more worthy of pursuit?

To be continued…

Part One

Where should I start? My life just seems to be moving so fast, so there’s always so many new things to talk about. I’ll start with the easy stuff. About a week ago I moved back into my house after staying at my aunt’s place for a few months while my grandma was staying at my house. I feels great to be back home. I put my music studio back up in my room and already started two new tracks. But don’t expect to see them up on my myspace music anytime soon, since I make about 30 tracks I never finish for everyone I do. In addition to producing tracks I also started singing on a regular basis, which is my greater musical passion.

I finished my textbook: “The Making of the West” today. It sure was great studying European History again. It was a whole different experience from reading “A History of Western Society” during my sophomore year of high school (that was the year the terrorist hit the Twin Towers). I loved studying this stuff the first time around, but it seems to have had much more meaning for me this second time around. This last time around I knew that the end of the road was not the AP test. So I viewed the information I was taking in and contemplating as part of a much greater project. And speaking of this greater project, now that I’m done with the textbook I am off to reading the books that are part of my independent study project. Next will be George Cotkin’s “Existential America” followed by Robert K. Merton’s “Social Theory and Social Structure,” Peter Gay’s two volume “The Enlightenment: An Interpretation,” Henry F. May’s “The Enlightenment in America,” Rob Riemen’s “Nobility of Spirit: A Forgotten Ideal,” and Susan Neiman’s “Moral Clarity: A Guide for Grown-Up Idealists.” Originally I had described this project as a study of the history of Enlightenment ideals in the United States. I still want to stick to that as the core, however, due to time constraints I decided not to read the several thousands of pages of Page Smith’s histories since independence and Arthur Schlesinger’s three volume “The Age of Roosevelt.” Besides, I’d rather save those readings for later and focus more on the age of Enlightenment and the status of those ideals in contemporary society, which is what Riemen and Neiman’s books are about.

Okay, now I’m realizing that I’m not going to get to everything I planned on writing about. What I’ll instead is tell y’all about last night and then try to leave some hints to the next half. So last night I went to panel discussion advertised as “SNAPSHOTS: Changing Perspectives in the San Diego Art Scene.” It was in an art studio and it was a full house. It’s hard for me to tell how many people showed up, but I’d estimate about 50. I don’t want to go into the details of what was said, although y’all probably would like to know. What I’ll say is that I thought the event was great and that I hope they organize another like it sometime in the not too far future. I’ll also mention that there were some big players at that forum (both in the panel and in the audience) and it was very interesting to hear their opinions, especially since this is a world I know very little about.

Going to the forum re-emphasized to me what is possible to do in a community. I met some cool people that night and had the opportunity to meet many others with the power to really make things happen. This led me to reflect on what I’ve been investing my time on these past several years and I now realize that I’m now at the point where I can start putting all of that knowledge I’ve acquired into action. The books I’ve read, the issues and ideas I’ve intricately pondered, the hundreds of organizations I’ve looked into and meticulously organized in my bookmarks, the networking skills I’ve slowly and fearfully acquired… It’s about time I start putting all this to use.

To be continued…

Picasso’s Forms Come Alive

I.

Complain
Complain
Complain.
No time for this
No time for that.

Shut the fuck up!

Inside the mass
Of who knows what
Inside your skull
Energy is moving
Erratically
Here,
There,
Everywhere.
And it all adds up to something.

Mass of matter and energy
Creating thought.
Chaos into order.
But not exactly.

II.

You really want that
Ice cream cone,
Television,
Ford Mustang.

You want that
Vacation,
Freedom,
Happiness.
You want it all
Toil free.

Dreams of being
Royalty
Seeping in-
To your everyday
Consciousness.
Fact and fiction
Merged as one.

III.

Chaos into
Less chaos
Yet still
Chaos.

Why
Why
Why does he do this to you?!
Or do you do it
To yourself?

Before the sun ceases
To rise,
Before the millennium
Turns again,
Before my last breath
Is taken.
Please,
Find clarity
By then.

An Attempt

I.

Lying on my bed
Thinking.
I want to spread my message
To the people
Who have…

Balloons as heads.
Extraordinarily thick.
Resistant to the fates
They deserve.


II.

A cockroach is
Extremely resistant
Also.
Cut its head off
It may still move
Its feet
Across the pavement.

Pushers of the button
Pullers of the trigger
Pretenders of ignorance
Advocates of lies.
Oh how they survive
Also.


III.

I am not a misanthrope.
I am not a misanthrope.
I am not a misanthrope.
I am not a misanthrope.
Do you believe it now?
It’s true.
You of all people
Should know.


IV.

Those eyes of yours.
Glistening.
Full of colour.
Looking closely I
See
The vortex into…

Hope.
Progress.
Truth.
Perplexity.
Anguish.
Reality.
Thankfulness.
Happiness.
Power.

But we must see the mirror first.
It glistens.
It waits.
Patiently.
Perpetually perfectly prepared
To strike.


V.

If a man is killed
But doesn’t notice…

One day you will know.

Emotion & Rationality

Part of me wants to experience emotion, but the other part observes the blasphemy and vehemently objects. My deepest values are truth and integrity. Accordingly, apparent irrationalities disturb me. Emotion is something that is non-rational. There is no reason why any particular experience should evoke any emotion. It seems that we simply accept the associations because we are so well habituated to them. They seem to be part of us. But the fact of the matter is that those emotional associations are not automatic and can be overcome. But what does one gain from overcoming positive emotional associations? I suppose only more certainty about one’s own rationality.

I have been struggling with artistic expression. The question of purpose invades my mental territory and decimates the defending forces. Why express emotion if it is an irrationality? Regardless of my problem with emotion, I still experience plenty of the stuff. Yet, when I feel the urge to express those feelings, the army of purpose soon appears and I am forced to take cover and withdrawal my advance.

Still, I yearn to feel positive emotion. I want to love and be loved. I want to care for others and want others to care for me. I highly value human to human connection. Why should I? Well maybe it’s not that it’s irrational, but rather that I just can’t understand the rationality behind it. Thus, I must be able to cultivate faith in values such as this. I am not absolutely opposed to this type of faith, but I must be careful with it.

A value I have no problem passionately pursuing eternally is that of knowledge. I can understand the rejection of this value on the grounds that having emotion for anything is irrational. However, if it is hypothesized that what I perceive as irrational might actually be rational but doesn’t appear to be due to my lack of understanding, then it is conceivable that if I keep on pursuing knowledge I might one day come to the point where all of the pieces come together to form the answer to these very questions about emotion and legitimate values. And furthermore, if it is assumed that there are no legitimate values, then what is the value in rejecting all values?

An Opportunity to Write

I’m waiting for my clothes to dry and don’t have my journal me with nor feel like reading. Thus, I figured it would be a convenient time to write another blog.

I’m pretty much over my existential crisis. No, I haven’t figured it all out, but I’m now pretty comfortable with knowing that I have an immortal soul and that these questions about existence are absolutely mind blowing. Additionally, after going through all this I feel a different connection to the world. I feel less attached due to the expanded perspective I’ve gained. It’s very liberating. Things that would really get to me in the past, such as organizing my school schedule, don’t stress me out very much any more. I just put the issue into perspective and realize how small it is. I should also add two sources I’ve been gaining inspiration from. One is a film I saw called “Into the Wild” and the other is a book I’m reading called “Standing in the Light: My Life as a Pantheist” by Sharman Apt Russell. I would describe what they’re about, but that seems like a waste of my time in this internet age.

Alright, so I want to give everyone the 411 of what’s going on with me these days. There are two main projects I’m working on. The first is a book tentatively titled “The Deep Crisis of the Present and the Need for a Flexible Society.” What I’m trying to do with this is synthesize my principal ideas concerning social scientific issues. I don’t want to outline the whole book, but I plan on dealing with lifestyles, happiness, our society’s metaphysical assumptions, institutions, human nature, purpose, the problem with academia, models for progress, etc. The second project (which I will probably end up merging with the first) is a study of the history of enlightenment ideals in the United States. And one more main project on my list, but that I haven’t really started yet, is a study of existentialism, which I will also probably end up merging with the first project. So all of these cool projects have kept me in a very positive state of being. Thank you, world.

The last thing I should mention is that I’m working on my fall 09 college transfer applications. I am applying to Cornell University, Clark University, the Gallatin School of Individualized Study at NYU, the Eugene Lang School for the Liberal Arts at New School University, and Pitzer College. I have no clue where I’ll end up, but I am really looking forward to taking this next step.

I have more to say, but I have to get going, so I’ll have to end here for now. I wish you all the very best in peace and happiness. May the force of truth be with you.

Metaphysical Speculations

I’m better now. The other night I thought: “Would I rather have never been born?” and to that I had to answer: “Of course not!” From this I went on to my tentative conclusion of pantheism. You see, there are two things I am quite certain of: #1 the existence of souls, and #2 the non-existence of God (at least not in the sense of the all knowing and all powerful being that created everything). So the best I can come up with is that there are special laws of nature that have always been and always will be. Through these laws souls find there bodies and everything goes round. Of course one can ask “Why do those laws exist to begin with?” Or my favorite question of all: “Why is there something rather than nothing?” For some reason that question always brings forth a feeling of deep joy within me. Anyone relate?

I’m not sure were to go from here. There’s so much I can expand on. I’ve written a bunch about all this in my journal. Perhaps sometime in the future I’ll look all that over and type up a summary for y’all. But for now, I’ll just mention that my revolutionary fire is coming back. I now definitely do see meaning in increasing the happiness of humanity. All I really had to do was think about how important my own happiness is, and then multiply that by 7 billion. Now isn’t that pretty damn important. And that’s an objective importance, not an arbitrary or relative one. Beyond this, the only thing that I still haven’t completely defeated is the thought of all of my memories vanishing one day. Religions based on the Vedic tradition would call this attachment to my material body. But now I’m wondering what exactly it is that I’m attached to. It’s not my physical appearance, nor do I think even the knowledge I’ve gained. What I fear losing is my commitment to reason and integrity. Whatever I come back as, I hope it’ll contain these two characteristics.

And now to deal with Mary’s comments about biological determinism. I believe there was a misunderstanding (what a surprise, eh?). Of course the environment plays a huge role in shaping us, but what is being shaped is a biological being, with inborn characteristics. So we may be socialized into enjoying a certain type of music such as European electro-house or melodramatic pop, but these affinities that we create are based on intrinsic needs. For example, consider the question of why we find music enjoyable in the first place. What is it about rhythm, melody, and harmony that is so appealing to us human beings? We can say the same about foods. Our bodies have senses, which interpret the material world in certain ways. Yes, the feelings we associate with these concrete sensations can be heavily influenced by culture, but the actual sensations are concrete. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that pain is pain and that an orgasm is an orgasm, regardless of environmental influences.

As for the case of actual determinism, I’m leaning away from that view. Yet I wonder what the extent of our free will actually is. Surely, if free will does exist it must be attributed to the soul. But what is the nature of the relationship between soul, body, and environment? One observation I’ve made lately is that of the apparent relationship between reflectivity and the power of our Will. I don’t know if this is making sense, but if it’s not I’ll also mention the example of the consequences of focusing on your existence and pure consciousness. If this still is not making sense, just think of Descartes famous “I think, therefore I am.” I believe that once our awareness of our own existence is at a peak level, the power of the soul, relative to that of the body and environment, is increased.

Alright, I’m done for tonight. I hope I didn’t lose too much of y’alls respect with all this crazy talk. (So you see why this blog is private now?)

It's Not As Bad As It Seems

Not too long ago things were going just fine. I was making great progress in my studies and seemed to be on a well defined path to achieving my goal of bettering the world. However, my studies led me to certain questions that changed all this for me. I’ll try to concisely illustrate how this happened. So first there is the purpose principle, which states that everything we do must have a purpose. But we must also understand that there are various levels of purpose. For example, in going to school. Why do we do it? More specifically, why do we complete a certain assignment? We can view the completion of a particular assignment as a purpose, but it is not an end in itself. We complete the assignment because we want a good grade, and we want the good grade so that we can graduate in good standing, and then maybe get into a good graduate school, which will allow us to get a PhD, which will allow us to establish the lifestyle that we think we desire. So the way I see it, all purposes always lead back to increasing pleasure and avoiding pain. Additionally, when logic is added to this principle, the ultimate purpose of the greatest overall human happiness is derived. This Utilitarianism was the clear focus of my life from when I was 15 years old up to about a week ago.

The problem that changed my life was the question of what ought to make us happy. I then noticed that we become happy when we fulfill our values, but why should we value anything in the first place? Is it not always arbitrary? Really, why the hell am a writing this right now? Why do I see value in articulating my thoughts and sharing them with certain people? Am I simply a machine following what’s programmed into my biology? Does my biology determine what is and isn’t pleasing to me? But the problem is that these biological determinations are non-rational. Thus, when I examine my values logically they seem absurd. And no, I can’t just “go with it,” since rationality is the only thing I can rationally value.

So maybe I can get over the seeming absurdity of values and re-learn to derive happiness from these arbitrary associations. However, even the prospect of substantially increasing the happiness of humanity seems insignificant in the large scheme of things. After all, what does the happiness of all of the creatures that have ever or will ever inhabit Earth matter when compared to eternity? Well I guess objectively it does matter at least a little, since even one divided by infinity is not zero. But still, I can’t help but stay focused on the large scheme of things, which is frustrating because I know essentially nothing about it.

To be continued...